|
file under: squeegy beckenheim.
|
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Dec. 22nd, 2006|04:26 pm] |
i am anxiously awaiting a new year.
this one, with very few exceptions (mauricio's wedding, greg),
has sucked.
looking forward to 2007.
i love you. |
|
|
| money for nothing. |
[Aug. 21st, 2006|09:54 am] |
i read once that this guy was trying to get across the country with no money, so he posted something online and people sent him donations to his paypal account and he ended up being able to get there.
i need my car to function.
i wish i could steal a page from that dude's book. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Jul. 11th, 2006|05:43 pm] |
remember me?
i'm still alive. |
|
|
| must pay traffic tickets. |
[Mar. 16th, 2006|11:41 am] |
in an effort to make some money...
i'm for hire. i can do most anything. and i ain't too proud to beg.
let me know. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Mar. 15th, 2006|09:33 pm] |
|
i just wish it never happened. that way, i wouldn't still be feeling like this. |
|
|
| a bird's funeral. |
[Mar. 1st, 2006|04:10 pm] |
i walked outside to find a dead bird on my doorstep this morning. i went out for a bit and came back to find it had moved. i got out a shovel, burried it under a tree next to my house, and fashioned a cross from sticks. i'm not really sure why i did this, but i cried. i cried for the bird and i cried for those i've lost and i cried, i guess a little, for myself.
if you really want to know the truth, it's killing me that the things i need to be caring about right now - cost of living, job, etc. are being overpowered by this horrible feeling that i can't seem to shake or change. because when it comes down to it, my gut is telling me that things would be alright if one of these situations was different. before, it was always one or the other, and i'd complain about it along with every other red-blooded human being. but now it's come to this. now i have nothing. |
|
|
| the me i know you could love. |
[Feb. 17th, 2006|06:19 pm] |
|
i guess one of the best reasons for writing an entry in this thing is when you're depressed or lonely or just a little introspective. long story short, as soon as i realized there was something to lose, i got scared and shut down. i never gave him the chance to get to know the real me. the one he did know, he said he wasn't falling in love with. but i know that if he'd had the chance, if i hadn't put those walls down, if i had only faced my fear and said what i was thinking, acted on what i was feeling, things would be different. i hope they would. i know they would. i really messed up. now i'm being honest, giving space, and spilling my guts all over the place. i just wish there was a simple way to make things all better. go back to the start. see? that was a long story short. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Jan. 3rd, 2006|06:24 pm] |
audra says she's never seen me like this.
i think it's a good thing.
everything else is shit, but i can't help but smile. |
|
|
| the truth |
[Dec. 9th, 2005|10:29 am] |
|
i can't help it. it's just a crush. but i still can't figure him out. |
|
|
| the stromboli & the cake |
[Nov. 3rd, 2005|11:27 am] |
just talked to ben in new york. they're at fischer's place and about to go downtown. i wish i was there...
in other news, i've owned the exorcist for 4 years now and have only made it through the first 15 minutes. i wanted to watch a scary movie this halloween, like nightmare on elm street or glitter or something, but it still hasn't happened.
last night we went over to joe's for his birthday and a little pistons action, which ended triumphantly. like christmas bells. speaking of triumphant, or something, joe spent his birthday yesterday at rosa parks' funeral. 1. that's awesome 2. it's bizarre.
later at joe's, i told him how i saw kwame kilpatrick being interviewed and about how he said "i'm just going to wing it. you can't prepare something to say at an event like this," when asked about what he would say at the funeral. "no," i thought, "this is exactly the time you need to be thinking about what you're going to say!" what a moron. joe said kwame said something about rosa parks being the most important person who ever lived when he spoke. i laughed my ass off when joe continued, "i few people come to mind: martin luther king jr., jesus christ, gandhi, etc..." obviously, not to take away from rosa parks.
speaking of laughing your ass off, i know i've said this before, but i really wish you could. i wish laughing were an exercise. |
|
|
| mauricio and ben go wireless |
[Nov. 2nd, 2005|03:05 pm] |
i had lunch with mauricio, michelle and ben yesterday. it was delicious and funny as always, filled with witty banter and significant conversation. we were doing fine. but when we walked to our cars, stopped, and finally looked at each other, i saw mauricio's face go from happy to sad in a moment. his face scrunched up and his eyes began to redden. i knew that my face mirrored that exact expression as we fell into a goodbye hug. i felt the vibrations of his breath, fast, teary, on my shoulder and i held on tighter than ever. there have been very few people in my life that have made me feel understood, appreciated, loved. very few people who feel like home to me. mauricio feels like home to me. it's tough, but saying goodbye is just another part of our adventure.
i've been saying goodbye to people i love lately. it's not getting easier, but i'm getting used to it. i just have to remember to be fearless. no standing still.
sidebar: i've really got to finish writing. if you can fix crappy laptops, let me know. mine's all kinds of fucked up and i need help. |
|
|
| i need it to write. to keep my thoughts clear. |
[Oct. 25th, 2005|02:31 am] |
so let's recap the past three weeks, shall we?
a list, i think, will do it:
1. my best friend informs me he's moving
2.
3. (which leads me to feel the need to) get a crush immediately
4. my granny dies.
5. everything is pointless
6. my new crush is there for me
7. my best bud and i make huge plans
8. i quit my job
9. i run into my ex(perience) when i'm with my new crush and shit hits the fan
10. i have been to the wab almost every night this week
in short, things have been life-changing. most of the items on my list have been, at least. 1, 2, 4, etc. i'm not even sure what i'm doing half the time. but i do know this: i don't want to lose myself in any way. i need to keep progressing, keep up the creativity, keep moving... otherwise, i'm doomed. and doomed is an ugly word.
it's time for me to get my computer fixed, finish my book and move on.
i lost my personal tape recorder - fuck. |
|
|
| change. |
[Oct. 19th, 2005|04:59 pm] |
i quit my job.
if you know of any work available, pass it on.
someone recently told me that their life seemed new to them.
i feel the same way, with all of these changes in the past two weeks.
it feels good.
i'm learning to breathe again. |
|
|
| it happens all at once, i suppose. |
[Oct. 14th, 2005|11:39 am] |
|
i opened the car door and there was a flower on the passenger seat for me. we had dinner and then walked around the gardens at night. i made him get into the huge fountain with me and splash around. we were soaked. we were wild. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Oct. 10th, 2005|09:48 am] |
granny passed away in the earliest hours of saturday morning. people keep telling me that i need to write down all the memories i have of her, because i'll start to forget. but i can look back through the pages of this livejournal and find her.
i think one of the most difficult things to hear was my mother telling me one of the first things she thought of was that i could finish my book now.
i found these photographs of her yesterday when mom and i were packing up her things:
  |
|
|
| mo says it helps if i sing sweet caroline out loud. i did, of course. |
[Oct. 7th, 2005|09:47 am] |
i have completely lost it.
work is so horrible today. i started laughing uncontrollably. millie kept asking what was wrong with me, begging me to stand still for a second. i got up from my desk and ran around the office looking for hidden cameras. i keep waiting for ashton kutcher to show up, i just know i'm being punk'd. |
|
|
| sad news last night. |
[Oct. 3rd, 2005|11:47 am] |
i just don't know
what i'm going to do
without my mauricio. |
|
|
| billy sleeps with the fishes. |
[Sep. 26th, 2005|01:25 pm] |
friday night, audra and i were laying on the couch when ben called to see if he could borrow my undeclared dvds. i told him he could if he brought us presents - a white fluffy bunny and a bottle of whiskey. he came over with one of those billy big mouth bass things instead. i hate those things. we ended up throwing it off our balcony for a good hour, smashing it to pieces. not a drop of alcohol was consumed before or during this, to the dismay of our new downstairs neighbor who caught us in the act.
billy's death.
the party on saturday night was busted up by the cops around midnight? one? can't remember. anyway, it was too early. walked over to the wab, walked to como's, sat on cloud nine for a while, then went to bed. |
|
|
| the world of academia |
[Sep. 19th, 2005|03:50 pm] |
him: you taking classes this semester?
me: yes
him: what classes?
me: manipulation, gambling and basket weaving |
|
|
| another shite day on the job. |
[Sep. 19th, 2005|03:11 pm] |
example #17
how millie at work mixes up "american" sayings
and i think it's cute:
"what am i, liver chops or something?" |
|
|
| navigation |
| [ |
viewing |
| |
most recent entries |
] |
| [ |
go |
| |
earlier |
] |
| |
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
fileunder's journal